For Loved Ones: How to Truly Support Someone Through Cancer (From a Survivor's Perspective)

When someone you care about is diagnosed with cancer, your first instinct is almost certainly to help, to offer support, to try and make things even a tiny bit easier. Your heart is in the right place, and that desire to be there for them is invaluable. Yet, sometimes, even with the best intentions, our words or advice can inadvertently miss the mark, especially when we lean on phrases that begin with "just."

As a cancer survivor myself, I've been on the receiving end of well-meaning suggestions like, "You should just make time for yourself," or "You just need to get outside more," or "Just try to stay positive." I know these comments often come from a place of love and a genuine wish for our well-being. But here's the thing: when you're navigating the overwhelming chaos of a cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery – often in full-blown survival mode – there's rarely anything "just" about it.

The "Just" Problem: Why It Can Be Triggering

Life during and after cancer treatment is complex. You're often juggling medical appointments, debilitating fatigue, 'chemo brain' that fogs your thinking, emotional upheaval, and the Herculean effort of trying to maintain some semblance of normalcy for yourself and your family. When you're in this state, hearing "just..." can feel like:

• A Minimization of Your Struggle: It can imply that the solution is simple and you're somehow failing to see it or do it.

• Added Pressure: It can feel like another item on an already impossible to-do list, another expectation you're not meeting.

• A Lack of Understanding: It suggests the speaker may not grasp the depth or complexity of what you're experiencing – that profound fatigue isn't solved by "just resting a bit more," or that "just being positive" doesn't erase the very real fears and anxieties.

When I was going through treatment, even simple tasks were exhausting. My usual wellness routines, like yoga and Pilates, no longer fit the body I was in. Finding resources that truly understood my specific needs was a desperate search. It wasn't simple, and it certainly wasn't a matter of "just" doing something.

So, How Can You Truly Offer Support? (From a Survivor's Perspective)

Understanding and empathy are the foundations, but here are some more tangible ways to be there for your loved one:

1. Listen Without "Just" Fixing:
   Often, what’s needed most is a safe space to talk, to vent, to share fears or frustrations without judgment or immediate advice starting with "you should just...". I remember hesitating to burden my own family, needing to express myself but fearing I was complaining. Being a compassionate, patient listener is an incredible gift. Sometimes, all your loved one needs is for you to simply hear them and acknowledge their feelings: "That sounds incredibly hard," or "I'm here for you."
   
   

2. Offer Specific, Practical Help (Beyond "Let me know..."):
   The open-ended "Let me know if you need anything" is kind, but it puts the burden back on the person who is already overwhelmed to identify a need and ask for help. Instead, try offering concrete things:
   
   

• "I'm going to the grocery store, what can I pick up for you?"

• "I've made an extra lasagna, can I drop it off on Tuesday?"

• "Would it be helpful if I drove you to your appointment next week?"

• "Could I come over and help with laundry/dishes/tidying for an hour?" This kind of practical, hands-on assistance can be a lifeline.

3. Understand Their "Normal" Has Changed:
   Avoid comparing them to their pre-cancer self or urging them to "just get back to how you were." Treatment and recovery change a person physically and emotionally. Stamina is different, food tolerances might change, and energy is a precious, often unpredictable, commodity. Meet them where they are now.
   
   

4. Be Patient with "Chemo Brain" and Repetition:
   Memory fog and difficulty concentrating are very real side effects. Your loved one might repeat stories or forget things you've discussed. Instead of "you just told me that," offer gentle reminders or simply listen again. They may need to process things multiple times.
   
   

5. Acknowledge the Awkwardness (and Don't Disappear):
   It's true, cancer can make people uncomfortable, and sometimes you might not know what to say. But avoiding your loved one or conversations about their illness can deepen their sense of isolation. It's okay to say, "I don't know what to say, but I'm here." Your consistent presence can mean the world.
   
   

6. Help Navigate Information (Carefully):
   If they express a need for information on non-medical support (like finding a gentle exercise class or a nutritionist familiar with cancer patients), offer to help research options. Instead of "just look it up," which can be overwhelming, you could say, "That sounds like a lot to sift through. Would you like me to help you find some initial information on that?"
   
   

7. Respect Their Choices & Pace:
   Everyone's cancer journey is unique. Avoid pushing remedies or telling them what they "should just" do. Support their decisions and respect their pace. As I learned, your loved one has choices and the right to control their own journey. Truly supporting them means respecting their decisions about their daily life, who they see, what help they accept, and when they need to say 'enough is enough' to visitors, activities, or even well-intentioned advice.
   
   

8. Remember the Long Haul:
   Support doesn't end when active treatment does. The post-treatment phase can be incredibly challenging, a time of rebuilding and navigating a new normal. Continue to check in, offer support, and understand that the journey continues.
   
   

Instead of "Just," Try These Approaches:

• Instead of: "You just need to relax." Try: "I can imagine how much stress you're under. What's one small thing that might feel even a tiny bit restful for you right now? Is there anything I can do to help create some quiet space for you?"

• Instead of: "You just have to eat something." Try: "I know your appetite might not be great, and some foods might be hard to tolerate. Is there anything at all that sounds even remotely appealing that I could bring you?"

• Instead of: "You just need to get out of the house." Try: "No pressure at all, but if you ever feel up for a very short, gentle walk, or even just sitting outside for a few minutes, I'd love to join you. We can go at your pace."

True Support is a Partnership

Supporting someone through cancer isn't about having all the answers or "fixing" their situation. It’s about presence, patience, practical help offered without placing more burden on them, and a deep understanding that their experience is complex and valid. It’s about moving beyond "just" and into genuine, empathetic action. Your consistent, thoughtful support can make an immeasurable difference in their ability to navigate one of life's most challenging experiences.

If you are supporting a loved one through cancer and are looking for ways to help them manage the practical overwhelm, services like mine exist to partner with them, providing organization, research, and hands-on assistance so they can focus on healing. Sometimes, an experienced guide can help lighten the load for everyone. Visit the “How I Can Help” page to learn more.